Month Two: Mission Complete

Today marks the end of the second month.  The evidence is "growing," but sometimes, I find I'm still in disbelief.

Physically, I'm hanging in there. This pregnancy is turning out to be a lot more challenging than any of the ones before.  I might attribute that to age, but that's just a theory.

I've never been plagued by true morning sickness before, but this time, I consistently wake up queasy.  Vomiting is not an issue (thank God), but there's no other feeling in the world worse for me than nausea.  I know I'm supposed to eat bread or crackers or what-not, but the last thing I feel like doing when I'm feeling that way is eating.  So, I muscle through it until I can tolerate putting something in my stomach.

I can tell my face is filling out.  Cheeks are a little rounder.  Eyes aren't as sunken as they usually are, even though I'm just as tired.  I'm not afraid of gaining too much weight.  I just hope I can handle the weight I do gain.  Usually, the lower back and groin muscles take the biggest toll.

The biggest problem right now is a heavy sense of anxiety.  And it scares me.  Naturally, I'm feeling much more vulnerable, so that leads to feelings of inadequacy.  Now is NOT the time to feel inadequate.

Trying to view this realistically...of course my moods are going to fluctuate with the raging storm of hormones.  My body is causing this, and not something I've done or haven't done.  There is no impending doom, no unpleasant consequences I'm about to face.

The fact of the matter is that I'm psychologically unprepared.  I know I'm more than capable of preparing, and I take great joy in summoning those skills I've learned over the years.  It's just the sheer hard work of talking myself up, getting out the tools I need, putting my plans into practice.  I'm so tired!  What if I don't do the job all the way?  What if I don't do the job the way I want to do it?  What if I fail???

I think the thing I need is a small victory.  A little reminder of what I'm made of.  I need to face a modest challenge and overcome it.

Like laundry.  For every load I do, another two take its place.  Usually, it takes a whole day to get through it all (because I can't do what a normal person does and do a little every day).  The thought of spending another dawn-to-dusk kicking my way through these piles has me shaking in my boots.  I'll be completely exhausted by the time I'm done with it all.

Yes, one can be so utterly exhausted she can't relax or sleep.  As Miner's buddies say offshore, "That's bad juju."

So what will I do now? Throw in a load of laundry before I go to sleep?

No. I'm going to take a scalding shower and hope it stings away every bit of tension in my body.  Then I'm going to sleep and try to follow through with laundry tomorrow morning.  I hope I hope I hope I'll be able to write that I did that.

Don't tell me what I NEED: On baby "stuff"

Pregnancy Migraines

I'm beginning to wonder if this pregnancy is going to be more intolerable than the other ones.  Or maybe the others were equally intolerable, but I was just too busy to notice?

Struggling with awful, awful headaches for the past three days.  The kind that wake you up in the night and won't let you go back to sleep.  I've been going through all the usual combat techniques I usually use to fight migraines:

• coffee (which is tough, because I can't even stomach a cup at the normal intervals)
• food
• rest/sleep in a dark, silent room.  

They all help for temporary relief, but the headache hasn't gone away entirely.  It lingers and lingers....

No Stomach for Food

The healthy food cravings have passed, too.  I don't crave anything now.  As a matter of fact, the last thing I feel like doing is eating, which I know is in no wise healthy.  Especially these first couple months when nutrition is crucial to early development.

I slacked off on taking my prenatal vitamins, because they'll make me sick if I don't take them with food, but eating's upset my stomach, too....  A "catch-22" of sorts.  I think I'm just gonna have to "woman-up" and eat and swallow those stinkin' vitamins whether they make me feel like hurling or not.  It's not trial by fire.

Don't tell me what I NEED:  On baby "stuff"

Bought a pregnancy magazine on impulse the other day, just to see what society (or the media representatives thereof) are saying about it these days.  I knew that wasn't a good idea, but I did it anyway.

Every. single. page. shows some company shoving "stuff" at me.  All sorts of gadgets and helping-tools that promise to make pregnancy and newborn care easier and more pleasant.

Maybe it's me -- I acknowledge this ahead of time -- but reading all those articles and ads telling me what I "need" really upsets me!  I don't know if it's anger or irritation or some bitterness of unknown origin or what, but it makes me cringe and eye-roll and grit my teeth.

First of all, every one of those gadgets cost a fortune.  Secondly, they go from being "nice-to-have's" to being "must-have's," so when moms get their hands on them, they think they're better off.

This really gets my goat, because I just don't think it's necessary to buy or have all these "things" that promise to make mothers better at their jobs!  And if a mother thinks she's better at her job for buying or having these things, then it makes sense a collective of buyer-havers begin to think the buy-not-have-nots are somehow worse off because they buy-not-have-not!

Yes, maybe there's a flaw in my thinking here, but the only way my thoughts could be proven or disproved would be through scientific research.  Even then, interviewees may not even be aware of their own motivations, just as I'm not 100% certain of mine.

But practically speaking (about money), gadgets COST, and I've done just fine through all the other pregnancies without some tool to help me through every step of the pregnancy-to-delivery-to-raising process.  I have my own two hands, and those hands are "handy" (pun pun) for arranging things the way I need them, or making things I feel I'm in need of.

Spotting in the 1st Trimester?

Just about shocked me to death last night when I saw red streaks where there should have been none.

I'm 35. This is the 6th time around. I think that somehow increases our chances of a miscarriage, but I haven't allowed myself to dwell on that.  "Cross that bridge when/IF we come to it" -- that's the policy.

However, the spotting was not spontaneous.  During the course of "rigorous activity," we noticed the darker shade.  And it wasn't profuse.  The small amount I saw on the fabric was all there was, and no more.

So that tells me the source closed on its own.  If it were a miscarriage, the spotting would not have stopped, and it would've been accompanied by pain of some sort.  Neither happened.

Today, I feel fine.  No more spotting, no pain at all.  I'm chalking it up to "rigorous activity" and leaving it at that.

I did read that if a woman is prone to spotting in the 1st trimester, she might abstain from "rigorous activity" at least until the 12th week, when the probability of miscarriage decreases dramatically.

So, despite our protests and complaints, that is what we'll do.